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[26 May 2012|01:36pm] |
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love does not exist, it is just something from books, old wive tales, and myths
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[24 May 2012|07:09pm] |
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i sometimes wish i was prettier, skinnier, smarter, happier, better, but mostly i wish i could learn to be content with who i am and what i have to offer. the sort of sadness you get from never quite feeling like enough, not for others, but for yourself, must be the most torturing kind. i was thinking about all this on my drive home today. i know that i ran away from something in southern california, maybe it was addiction, but there had to be something else, and sometimes i wonder when and where it will find me again, and what will i do? will i pack up and move again? will i just give up? i don't know, they say take it one day at a time, and i swear i am trying but both my future and past look so grim.
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| also |
[21 May 2012|09:58am] |
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i am going to spend my day off taking a bath, wearing matthew's t-shirt, listening to lana del ray on repeat, eating chocolate, and around laying in bed.
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[20 May 2012|11:00am] |
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your heart is an empty room, with walls of the deepest blue
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[19 May 2012|04:15pm] |
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so yesterday, i decided to buy an imac that my coworker was selling for $300, i have never had the luxury or funds to own any apple products until recently and wow, i have never been one to call a computer beautiful, but this is 24 inches of beautiful.
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| this is tiring |
[16 May 2012|06:52pm] |
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i am grumpy and acting out and being destructive and i definitely do not give a fuck
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[12 May 2012|08:10pm] |
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drinking lemon water and sitting on the floor of my apartment in front of an open door, letting in fresh air.
i am slowly getting back into my routine, which might be a good thing but the jury is still out. i sleep, eat, work, try to go to the gym but usually lay in bed, and then repeat. my therapist thinks i need to go on meds, she gave me the name of some psychiatrists but i doubt i will go, i have spent a good portion of my life on medications, maybe it is time to figure out what is really wrong instead of getting rid of symptoms. do you ever think you are just fucked? like maybe your life is a series of unfortunate events that will never allow you to be a normal high functioning person? is this negative thinking? am i throwing a pity party?
someone once told me that your early twenties are your 'selfish years' where you spend most of your time thinking/talking/feeling sorry for yourself. i forget who even told me that now, but i hope they're right. i hope that one day i can out grow my sadness and suddenly become someone i liken. if snakes can shed their skin 4-6 times a year, maybe i can somehow rid myself of all of my depression, guilt, anxiety, fear, etc.
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[08 May 2012|01:49pm] |
i ended up staying home way longer than i planned. i spent most nights sleeping in my mom's bed with matthew. the night before i left, desiree showed me all these photographs of our parents, when they were together, i love finding photos of them like this, it lets me know that at one time in their lives they really really loved each other and shared extremely beautiful, even though i never saw it.
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[26 Apr 2012|09:29pm] |
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just packed everything, took my nyquil, now i am ready for sleep
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[21 Apr 2012|06:53pm] |
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my left ankle is the size of a baseball, i just took a bath, i keep ordering pizza - gross, it is so hot, i am dying, nor cal. i need to clean up, i need to clean my car, i need to take out trash, i need to stop fighting with my sister, i need to drink more water, and take vitamins, be less grumpy, tell the people that i love that i love them or at least call them back, listen to more songs that are not sad, save more money, but spend some on more bath salts/bubbles.
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[16 Apr 2012|09:18pm] |
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matthew left two hours ago and my heart hurts and this bed is definitely too big for one person. i am still sick and not looking forward to work tomorrow. that is all.
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[12 Apr 2012|09:49pm] |
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matthew is here and i am sick again, the ninth time since about november, i need a new immune system. having him hold me close to him, while i cough violently, feels so fucking nice. he bought a juicer for me tonight so we can make fresh orange juice. right now, we are laying in bed, surrounded by three blankets, him taking pictures of my cat and me laying down, typing this. i need tea. good night.
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[04 Apr 2012|06:30pm] |
- desiree will be here within the hour ~sister bonding time~
- i have not had fast food for almost six weeks, feels amazing!
- i do not think my moral compass works anymore, i work for someone who cuts me down constantly and i cannot seem to find my voice when i need to stand up for myself
- i am starting to knit again
- considering going vegan, i have been vegetarian for over seven years now
- i have been trying to write again, my writing is stale, i am unsure what happened to the person i was
- it is april now and i am still exercising, at least i can commit to something
- i want soup
- i have an obsession with ghetto nailz
- who am i?
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| so happy |
[01 Apr 2012|08:17pm] |
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desiree will be here in three days for a week! and when she leaves, matthew will be here for a week!
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[01 Apr 2012|12:02pm] |
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i need to leave the house to get water but i do not want to put on pants, this is a real problem
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[28 Mar 2012|09:44pm] |
two little sleeping pills, two little pills to clear your head
to calm your h e a d, you best hope you are not dead
not dead
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[28 Mar 2012|09:43pm] |
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you're not happy but you're funny and i'm tripping over my joy
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[21 Mar 2012|08:48pm] |
this is me and alan right now, i am wearing my glasses and letting my dirty hair down, he is sleeping on me and purring. i went home for a week, got home yesterday, missed the shit out of him, i seriously must have told m ten times how much i miss my cat. crazy, right?
my eyeballs hurt, hence the glasses, and i miss my family and m and every bone in my neck and back hurts but oh well. such is life. des will be here in two weeks, then m will be here in three and everything will be sunshine, kittens, rainbows, cupcakes, and unicorns. etc. etc.
i should really take my digital camera out of the trunk of my car and use it but i feel like i have nothing creative left in me, at all, when it comes to taking photos and writing. i am just wasting away. i am exhausted, all the time. i have been going to therapy but i feel like i say the same things over and over again and how often can you really say you hate yourself or your life before you need to shut the fuck up and do something about it? this is a rhetorical question because i have been saying it/thinking it way too often for the last ten years. something has got to give.
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[24 Feb 2012|06:05pm] |
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“I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South Amer...ica, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.” - Sylvia Plath
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[20 Feb 2012|09:58pm] |
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matthew is on a plane right now. we had an amazing five days together which included the best vegan hot dogs in san francisco, trying to find sand crabs on the beach in santa cruz, walking the los gatos creek trail, getting lost in palo alto trying to find cupcakes(i didn't realize a place more snobby than newport beach existed), making vegan strawberries dipped in chocolate. i miss him more than i can even put into words. he is just the kindest human being to exist, he wakes up at seven am to give alan vu treats because alan vu won't stop crying and i grumpily mumble something about just wanting to sleep. i wish my thoughts made sense, i wish i could let everyone know every intimate detail about why i love him and why i believe that he was put on this earth specifically for me but some things are better kept secret. all i really know is i love him and that this bed is much bigger without him here.
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